On Pins and Needles

Tomorrow is a big day, and hopefully, one of many more to come. It is the day that my wife takes the pregnancy test and we find out if all the driving to be poked and prodded (and humbled in other ways that are not worthy of discussion) was worth it.

We've been trying to get pregnant for around two and a half years now. I know that considering our age, we're not short on time. But it has none the less been a very emotional journey. Disappointment after disappointment- it becomes very taxing, and no one truly understands what you are going through. I've heard every cliche in the book... twice. I'm tired of the "It will happen when it's supposed to," and "Just relax, have a glass of wine," and I can't help but roll my eyes when it's suggested "Maybe its God's will for you to adopt."

I can't say why for sure, but I have a great feeling about this go around. I really feel like this is our time. I've been praying with my wife every night since the embryos were implanted and each time I do, I feel a great peace about things. It has really allowed me to be a rock for Charity and it has placed me in a sort of communion with God. I've enjoyed his nearness.

There are only a few things I know for certain. One of those is that God loves me. I can not begin to speculate on what plans he has for us, and I don't really want to. I'd rather live in the present and trust that God will provide for my needs. This doesn't mean that I don't make plans. It just means that I will not attempt to control things that are not meant for me to control.

Who knows what the result will be? Who knows whether a positive test will mean a baby carried to term? Worrying will not add a day to our lives. Only God knows, and there I rest.